I knew I wanted a natural birth from the beginning. I didn’t know how or if I’d truly be able to do it, but I told myself I had to try. I knew that I had to sacrifice whatever the pain to give you the best start on life. The midwives at your birth center gave me great care and advice. I hired an amazing birth assistant to help. I read books, watched documentaries and took a birthing class. I went to a chiropractor. I ate pretty healthy, too. I bought all of our groceries organic. But I still didn’t know if I could do it. I wrote an affirmation that I read every day to help. I knew your dad would be there to cheer me on and we hoped he would be the first one to hold you and catch you. I was never scared of the birth or the pain, but I still had some doubt if I could do it. I heard that first births were generally over 20 hours and the pain was incredible. I told myself I had to accept the pain. I walked a lot to try to have the stamina for a long labor, but I still was unsure of myself.
And then my water broke at 6:00 in the morning at 36 weeks and 5 days. I didn’t have any contractions and I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t feel any pain until 11 hours later at 5:00pm. It hurt, but it was bearable. The midwives figured I had several more hours of labor. And then at 7pm I had 4 contractions back to back. The pain was more intensified, but I felt like I needed to push with each one. I was worried because it had only been 2 hours since my first contraction. Your daddy called the midwives and we got in the car at 7:20pm. It was a 35 minute drive to the birth center. Your daddy told me that he was going to get us there, but if I couldn’t stop pushing I had to tell him so he could pull over and call 911.
With each contraction Daddy encouraged me breathe and I would grip the passenger grab handles with both hands and lift myself up during the peak of the contraction. I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t know if I could do it. We were about 3 minutes away from the birth center and something felt different. I put my hand between my legs and I felt your head. I was so scared because I didn’t know how long I had been crowning for. I couldn’t say anything to your daddy because he was focused on getting us to the birth center. I pulled out my phone, called the midwives and told them they had to meet us outside because I felt your head. But before I knew it, I pulled you up and had you in my arms. And I just kept screaming, “My baby! Oh my God my baby! My baby!” Your daddy didn’t know what was happening and he actually missed the turn to the birth center because he saw me holding you. You were perfect. You cried out and I was just so happy. Even though we didn’t make it in time to the birth center, I wouldn’t have it any other way because your birth was just perfect.
I love you so much Zadie.